hey guys,
So today I have come to terms with something.
I have realised that I have no idea what I am doing.
Now I know I talk a lot about what I want to be when I'm older and things but at this moment in time I have no clue about the things in my life, what is wrong and right with me. Or even if I'm the sane one and the whole is insane. It feels a though nothing makes sense anymore.
Do your friends ever make fun of you? I know some do but they take it as a joke but I seem to find that my friends make fun of me, and I don't think they know it hurts.
Example 1)
I like to tell my friends a lot of things including recommendation of YouTubers because they really love YouTube. So one day as I stumbled on a YouTuber called 'MynameisChai' I thought I'd tell them about it. Little did I know I couldn't have been more wrong. Now because I'm also not a big fan of Alfie so I don't watch his videos I didn't now that those two collaborated a lot (Honest mistake right?) WRONG. So far it has been two months and they won't let go of that fact that I didn't know some YouTuber until recently. I have told them that I don't like them making fun of me and they say it's because they enjoy it. enjoy it? seriously? The amount of times I have come close to blowing my top on them for saying that are infinite, so now I have just decided to give them the silent treatment because then that way they'll know I am upset. I mean, surely they'd understand that I don't like them 'playing a joke' (as they call it) after I have told them multiple times I don't like it.
Example 2)
Pranks. Now I am not a big fan of pranks, so playing them on someone or getting one is not fun. Especially when your friends have done it multiple times. Like example one they just seem to find it funny when I feel so low. IN fact, I have just stopped telling them certain things now because what's the point if everything I do is a joke to them. Now because of previous friendship problems in the group whenever they pull something on me I just think about telling them about how our ex-friends used to do it and how annoyed they would get. This would lead into an argument, I know, but after months o pranks on one person. It just makes you feel so low and horrible inside.
Now I know this doesn't really explain why I'm lost but I think to me this is just why I'm mildly depressed and low on the inside. Another the one has been how close I've come to mental brake downs. You know, the one where you feel as if your trapped and need to scream and just all of your emotions going hay wire because you've gone mental. I have had one mild ones once when I was home alone but that was it.
The 'almost' mental breakdown happened on Wednesday. We were doing SohCahToa (which tends to be a breeze for me) but this time I couldn't concentrate and kept writing down the same thing, then the class just seemed to get noisier and noisier and I almost ripped up my book, screamed and probably would have just ran out of there and run away forever.
After that maths lesson I just felt I had no purpose in life. I felt that everyone probably goes through that in their life and that there's no escape from torture. As deep and dark as it sounds it's true. You will never get away from the bad people because they are always near and around you.
Now when I go to this blog I feel at home, I feel as if I can say almost anything and people won't judge, now although I know that isn't true it is pretty much hat keeps me going in life. I have tests in two weeks time and I am not ready for them at all and will barely pass with a C if I am lucky.
I know this hasn't been a happy post but I juts needed a couple things off my chest.
See ya next post ma friends
Pointless Girl
